back from my trip .

alright, so i just came back from a weekend trip to kamloops with my bff and her family . prepare for a looong post . (:


kay, so friday was the day we left . i weighed myself that day, before anything - 111.7 pounds . disgusting ! at 1pm, after much packing, i got into the car, and we began the 5 hour drive .

on the drive, i read and slept, and consumed grapes, and only grapes . those were what i ate in the car . and i am so proud of myself ! we stopped by a costco, and my friend's mom kept trying to convince us to have ice cream, but i managed to deny it . later, we stopped in merritt, and WENT TO DQ . my friend (let's call her A) little sister, (H), got a huge ass sundae with chocolate sauce and peanuts, and her mom got this ice cream cone . me and A HAD to have something, so we got this things called a strawberry delight smoothie - apparently for each 20 oz. there was less than 250 cals, but i have NO IDEA what an ounce looks like, and it didn't say on the container . so i pretended to sip at the drink, but never actually drank any . (:

we got to A's nana's house, and lo and behold, there was a cherry tree in the backyard ! so we busied ourselves with picking those , and going in the hot tub . aahhh . by the time dinner came around (8PM) i had eaten 269 calories in grapes && cherries . gross, but not TOO bad . but then the inevitable came - dinner . and we had PIZZA .


i freaked out , i admit it . i panick when i don't know how many calories EXACTLY something has . i think, for domino's pizza, it was 250 cals a slice . i grabbed the smallest slice in there, which looked about to be half of a normal slie, so 125 calories . the thing is, i cut it up super small, and me and A went to eat outside on the porch . A knows everything about my eating habits - she supports me and is there for me, no matter what .

so i picked at the pizza, hardly eating a bite . i washed everything down with a huge swig of water, so i couldn't taste the food - if i tasted it, i know i would want more . i drank a liter of water during dinner .

but i made it through, somehow, because A had some of my pizza . <33 i love that girl . we had lemon meriague pie for dessert, but i politely declined, saying that i didn't like lemon pie , even though it's my absolute favourite !


day 2, saturday, rolled around , and we woke up so late ! it was 11am when we woke up, and A's mom / H / her nana wanted to go shopping . so we got ready and jumped into the car and went shopping . i got a super cute new bag for $13, a new plaid cardigan for $15, and this AMAZING AMAZING shirt ! it's navy blue, with the transformers autobots logo on the front in different tones of steel / white / silver . it IS a boy's shirt, and it was $14, but i don't care . i love that shirt .

plus, though we walked by this purdy's shop FOUR times, i didn't get anything ! however, i did buy a handful of jellybeans . i think that was around 96 calories - ish . then, at 3pm, we went home , and into the hot tub . i also had more cherries, upping my calorie intake to about 113 .

and then , DISASTER . A's cousin and aunt / uncle came over for dinner, since it was her cousin's birthday . he turned 12 . and you know what they made for dinner ? STEAK, GARLIC BREAD, AND SALAD . oh no !

i had the salad, lots of it, and took a piece of garlic bread, and some steak , to appease everyone else . by now, A's mom and nana were growing suspicious of my eating habits . i ate 1/2 of the salad, no more than 10 calories, and threw the rest out .

about an hour later , more disaster . A's aunt announced there was birthday cake ! i freaked out . cake ? CAKE ? oh no !

and then, in front of everyone, A's aunt spoke to me . you know what she said ? 'and come on, girlie, you HAVE to have a slice . i saw your steak in the garbage !' at this, i blanched . i should have said that i was a vegetarian, but my mind went blank . and she continued . 'oh yeah . caught ! well, don't worry, i made this cake myself . it's angel food cake, super low cal . don't worry, girlie .'

at this point, i was nervous, really nervous . i asked for a tiny slice, and i got a really small , really thin slice . then me, A, H, and A's cousin went to eat our cake, out of sight of the adults .

i picked at the cake . i had tiny, tiny, TINY bites, so that when i couldn't take it anymore, it only looked like a single bite had been taken out of the cake . i was nearly in tears . the cake was delicious, and i was starving . i wanted it SO BADLY !

but i didn't . i didn't eat it . i threw the rest out . and that night, i felt soiled . impure . like i wasn't better than anyone else .


HOWEVER . me and A went downstairs into the basement to sleep, since it was WAAAY too hot upstairs . and you know what i saw ?

AN ELLIPTICAL .

they had an elliptical machine . so A and I looked at each other, and then she went on, for maybe 5 minutes . then i went on , for 15 . it was liberating, feeling all that cake melting off .

she finally made me come off, so i did . we settled down for bed, but i couldn't sleep . A fell asleep, and at 1am, i couldn't deny it . i was starving . i couldn't stop thinking of the pizza, of the steak, of the cake, of the bread, of the pie . all of it was upstairs .

i crept upstairs, as silent as i could . i couldn't find the light in the kitchen, so i opened the fridge for light . i wouldn't eat cake, couldn't find the bread, and the pizza was underneath a stack of food .

then i saw them . laughing cow cheeses . 35 cals a piece .

quickly, i grabbed one, and devoured it, even though it felt and tasted like pure cream cheese spread . it was enough . feely disgusting and dirty and guilty, i crept back downstairs and went to bed .


today, sunday, i woke up at 9am, packed, and even though there was french toast for breakfast, didn't eat anything . on the drive back, we only took 4 1/2 hours , and i ate one cherry and a bunch of grapes, but have kept my calorie intake for today at an okay 123 calories , where i'm at right now .


the only thing is, we have so much junk food in the cabinets . we have VIETNAMESE food in the fridge . and i'm so hungry ...

but no . i must resist .


OH ! and i forgot to mention . A's nana has a SCALE in her bathroom . so these were my weights, as i remember .


Friday morning - 111.5 lbs

Friday night - 110 lbs

Saturday morning - 108 lbs

Saturday night - 109.5 lbs

Sunday morning - 108 lbs

And now i have to wait to weigh myself on my wii fit tonight . damn, i need a scale .


in addition, starting monday, i have 5 days of summer camp, which means 5 DAYS OF EXERCISE ! we're going kayaking monday, hiking tuesday, can't remember wednesday, cultus lake waterslides thursday, and swimming / boating on friday . i'll weight myself momnday morning, and won't weigh myself again until saturday morning . hopefully i'll have restraint .

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i'm not okay .

good god, i feel like such a failure .
call me a wannarexic if you want . i really don't care . because i acknowledge that anorexia and bulimia are terrible disorders, and no, i don't want one . i don't even know if i have one or not - and i highly doubt that i do .

but i can definitely say that i have a bad relationship with food . and exercise . and body image .
it's summertime, and all i can think about are my looks . fat, fat, fat, my reflection screams . i agree with it .

i've talked about getting back on track, i've talked about having to change, yet nothing has been done so far . but i'm trying, i swear to god that i am .

but i'm afraid . i'm afraid to start counting calories again, because i become obsessive . even now, i will open the fridge, and just look . look at the foods . imagine how bad they are . close the fridge . look in the cabinets . look at nutrition labels . close the cabinets . look on the shelves . evaluate food . look back in the fridge .

this happens when i'm hungry, and i become obsessive . i get jittery and nervous, flitting from fridge to cupboard to shelves restlessly, trying to find something safe to eat, that i want to eat, over and over and over again until an hour has passed .

i'm going begin counting again . in a way, i want to . badly , even though i'm scared to see the results . i'm going to start weighing myself again - another scary thing .


here goes nothing .

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back on track . hopefully .

things have been going terribly . i've gained 5 pounds . i've lost sight of my goals, and i feel stuck, unable to continue . i have an unhealthy relationship with food . and everything is going wrong . i was doing so well ... i was on my way to getting so much control ...
but everything has been ruined . when i see food, i act as if it's nothing . because it isn't .
but when i get home, when i look in the mirror ...
my world crumbles .

i know that i shouldn't be obsessed with body image . i know i shouldn't care .
but i DO . and it kills me .

- - - - - -

i need to get back on track . i NEED to change . because if i don't ...
i don't even want to imagine that .

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abc diet - day 1

i did it !

finally . after telling myself i would do the abc diet, i have begun . i feel so good ! this is what i ate today....

one orange for breakfast . 37 cals, round up to 40.

one orange for mid morning snack . 37 cals, round up to 40 .

lunch was 7 cherry tomatoes in a salad , plus actual salad of cucumbers && lettuce. 21 cals for the cherry tomatoes , about 25 cals for the other stuff , so about 50 cals .

3 'big foot' candies - so yummy ! - 60 cals

2 mini cucumbers - 20 cals

after school , 1/2 apple w/ ground cinnamon - 50 cals.

for dinner (i was so proud!) i managed an UNDER 200 calories meal. it was:

one small piece of pan fried chicken, some ms. dash seasoning added (0cals) but nothing else. it was maybe 2 1/2 inches long, 1 inch wide, and 1 1/2 cm thick. about 110 cals.

baby bok choy - LOTS OF THIS.

i had about 1/4 cup of steamed white rice, which is 45 cals.

that brought me to 455 cals after dinner.

i got hungry again later, had one strawberry (3 cals), 1 popsicle (5 cals), and 1 rice cake (35cals.)

Overall: 498 cals, perfectly within limit, and I am SO FULL . yay. (:

now i get to plan my food for tomorrow !

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the power of positive thinking .

i can do this. i can do this. i can do this.

that's what i'm going to start repeating to myself.

yesterday i was supposed to start my ABC diet. it began well enough, but then my friend came over for a sleepover, and i ate. a lot. goldfish, cookies, popcorn. when i'm around her, having a good time, i feel as if i don't need to be skinny. but then i see my reflection, and everything changes.

so today is the official day one of my abc diet . i've eaten one bun from a bakery, which is really bad for you, but other than that i've had 2 strawberries and 250g in blueberries .

i feel as if there is so much i need to do, and absolutely no time to do it. i'm overwhelmed, and i don't know why . i just got my period today, though - it would explain all the emotional crap, that's for sure.

i just need to keep telling myself that i can do this, though. i can do it. i will do it.

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and downhill it goes .

i'm angry . i'm frustrated . i'm emotional . i'm a wreck .

i don't know if that's me pmsing, or that i have a lot of constrained emotions, but i am really feeling everything tenfold today.

first, let me talk about yesterday. and the day before. i haven't gotten any chances to blog!

yesterday, i ate too much. i had one 1/2 slices of pizza, some 60 calorie cheese, a good 260 calories in candy, a 270 calorie chocolate bar...need i go on?

and the day before yesterday, i ate another entire freaking bag of popcorn. i can't remember the rest - but it was bad . very, very bad.

oh, but today. today was, simply put, horrific.

there are 5 'popular' girls in our school . 3 concrete ones. let's call the leader of everything 'SA.' well, sa is supposedly perfect. she's cool, she's funny, she gets good marks, she's a hit with the teachers. a class A honour roll student.

everyone in my school has been friends since they were born. not joking here, people. so sa staked her claim early as queen of the school, and has kept it that way, thanks to her followers.

that brings me to SO. so is a stupid dunce, with absolutely no brain in that head of hers. at least not when she's around her idol, sa. otherwise, she's smart, funny, and very adorable.

then there is E. e is a slut. she may not dress like one, but she is a 100% dumb, uncaring, bitchy slut. care to call her that ? well, you'll be brutally hammered with abuse after verbal abuse .

there's also C, who is nice, (AMAZINGLY THIN!!) and also idolizes sa. there is B, who, unfortunately, is the stupidest person i have ever met, but also the nicest, the sweetest, kindest person on the planet. because of her low IQ, she isn't very relevant. sorry, B.):

there's also, finally, A. a is like me, I guess. she's into what i am, she's very artistic, and understands where i'm coming from. but everyone caves into that deceptive finger of popularity and attention sometimes, so today was her day.

my class went to playland. sa, so, E, B, A, C, and I, were all in a group. let me just say this - C, B, and i all HATE rollercoasters. and anything that drops your stomach . guess where the girls go?

yup . so they go on a nice, swinging, stomach dropping pirate ship. C, B and i all decide to get in line for a spinning ride. well, when we were just about to get on, sa, so, and E show up. they immediately gush at us, thanking us for holding their place in line. i'm sorry, what?

then they ditched us when they went on the wooden rollercoaster. we try to find them, and don't. so we do our own thing, up until noon. that's when we wonder where they are.

we go to get mini donuts (this is where i caved and binged) and they pass behind us. we, of course, didn't learn about that until much later, but they still did. by this time, they've hooked up with Q and G (two guys), and E is busy flirting with them, draping herself overtop of the two. they pass by behind us, not even bothering to say a simple hello, or where they're going to eat.

we spend the next hour looking for them. do we find them? no. but we get a series of texts saying where they supposedly are. 'we're at white spot!' oh, no, they aren't. we know because we looked in the entire place, shouting their names. 'sorry. we're actually on the grass, eating.' no they aren't, because they just left.

and later, when all is said and done, we find out that they have been on the wooden rollercoaster 3 times. taking pictures. and that they went on the flume (a water roller coaster, which IS one that i will go on) twice. they also bought pictures from there.

as we are leaving, i hear SA say that 'this is the best time i've ever had here, actually!'

it has happened. yet again, i've been thrown into the background. yet again, i've become the dreaded loser that no one cares about. and, yet again, i realize that me, the newcomer from five years back, will never be able to insert herself into a place that was never really there .

not to mention, i binged. i had ten mini donuts. half a bag of cotton candy. half a sno cone. and i've come to the conclusion that, where i am, i'm not one of the people who will ever be able to make a change, to make something different happen .

i am useless. i am unable to do anything.

i am stuck .

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ohno . oh no, no, no, no, NO .

i binged . i binged so badly , i feel disgusting and fat and pig like.

it started out fine . half a banana for breakfast, half for recess . then a few bites of salad for lunch, and when i got home, one cup of honey nut cheerios .

it was when dinner came around that EVERYTHING WENT HORRIBLY WRONG.

my dad ordered pizza . PIZZA ! and i started off with one slice . 250 cals . terrible, but still, i could be salvaged.

but then i had another veggie pizza . + 250 cals . meaning i just ate my ENTIRE DAY'S CALORIE COUNT IN TEN MINUTES . then i HAD to have a pepperoni . just one bite . which turned into an entire piece . which made me say 'why not. if i'm bingeing, i might as well have chocolate.' so i had a 270 cal purdy's chocolate bar . and it was SO EFFING GOOD . so i had yet another piece of pepperoni pizza.

overall: 750 cals of pizza, 270 cals of chocolate, and who knows what else . then my sister made some popcorn . so why not have that too?

now i feel terrible . i feel bloated, and for some reason, my heart rate is going super fast, and it's feels so weird . i can't believe i ate all of that. and i wish i could purge, but i ate so long ago .

i'm so weak. we played TAG at school for PE, and i had to walk the 15 minutes home with a backpack full of 4 textbooks, and i was practically wheezing by the time it was over.

god, i'm worthless , disgusting, horrible, fat, grotesque. all of that and more.

on another note - i found an amazing forum. prettythin.com is fantastic, so check it out. (:

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i really have to stop numbering these things .

i've done a lot of thinking. about anorexia, about bulimia, about eating disorders in general . about feeling good about my body, about goals and aspirations . i've read about just what anorexia does to your body, and i don't want that . i don't want to be sickly and disgusting . i want to be beautiful , like everyone else. and i say that i don't care, but really, i do . because i've read that, after not eating, when you eat again, you blow up like a balloon. i can only imagine just how terrible that would feel, to sacrifice so much only to have it not be worth anything .

so i think i know what i'm going to do . every day, i'm going to eat 500 calories or less . no exceptions whatsoever . i may have a one - three days fast here and there, but ultimately, i'm going to do everything i can to be healthy . it's the only way to become thin .

i'll try to sip water throughout the day, so as not to be hungry . but i hate water. the taste is boring, sometimes even repulsive . so if anyone has any ideas as to how to improve the taste of water, do share !

anyways . what i ate today:

7 cherry tomatoes & a little bit of salad - 21 cals for the tomatoes

overall: about 30 cals (12:00pm)

chewy granola bar - 120 cals (12:35pm)

piece of chocolate - 60 cals (6:45pm)

2 1/2 oatmeal choc. chip cookies - 180 cals (6:53pm)

4 pickles - 20 cals (8:22pm)

2 scrambled egg whites w/ 2 tblspoons of 2% milk & 1/2 piece of white toast - about 100 cals (9:00pm)

overall: 510 calories

not bad, i suppose . but i did get a lot of sleep, which i think was good . i feel sick and disgusting and ughh, because i have a cold right now . i can't believe i ate all that chocolate and cookies . i needed something to chew on, but those ? totally regretting them .

i should do exercise, but i don't know what to do . i need someone to help me, to motivate me to exercise and be healthy . i don't like exercise, but i will do it if that's what it takes . so if anyone's out there who's willing to whip me and motivate me and convince me to get fit - please , please, PLEASE help .

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day 7 - this kind of sucks .

Today was hard, yes. I didn't fall asleep until 6am, and I woke up at 11am. But I gave my mom two very awesome, handpainted terra cotta pots, because she loves flowers. I put white mums in one of the pots, but the other was too small, so I have to wait to find some good, small flowers. I'll see if I can find some pictures. (:

This is what I ate today:

5/9/10

2 scrambled egg whites & 2 tablespoons 2% milk , 1/2 slice of toast - 34 cals, 26 cals, 40 cals.

overall: 100 cals (12:45 pm)

Activia - 100 cals (2:00pm)

Apple - 70 cals (3:15pm - 3:30pm)

Siu mai, 1 pc - 60 cals (4:30pm)

400 mL of wonton soup - 140 cals (6:00pm)

sugar free all natural popsicle - 5 cals (7:15pm)

3 pickles - 15 calories (9:00pm)

Total: 490 calories

I'm so proud! Only 490 calories! But you would not believe how guilty I was for pigging out on one Shu Mai (dim sum, asian food.) And it was so hard to try and find a dinner that was 160 calories or less. But after looking through ALL THE CUPBOARDS, I was so excited to find a wonton soup brother + wontons. It was 70 cals per 200mL, and the can was 398 mL. It was fantastic. So, in the end, I ate LESS than 500 calories, and I'm full (ish.)

Actually, I really kind of want some more food. I might have a popsicle.

Here are some thinspiration quotes:

“A moment on the lips, forever on the hips.”

“Nothing tastes as good as being skinny.”

“Sacrifice is giving up on something good for something better.”

“Extra pounds are the price you pay for overdrawing you calorie checkbook.”

“The taste of a burger will last a second. The satisfaction of being thin lasts forever.”

“The only person who can stop me...is me. And I can take her.”

“I am your butter and your bread. The voice that’s in your head. I’ll take you in and fill you up with a lack of being fed.”

- ANA

“Starvation is an example of excellent will power.”

“Pain is only as real as you allow it to be.”

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day 6 - what have i done ? where did it all go wrong ?

I can't believe it.

I ate 1,135 calories today. At least.

I'm weak. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I deserve to be the way that I am, because I am just the same as everyone else - not strong, not beautiful. Not thin.

I read some very uplifting, feel-good blogs about being fat and disgusting. I looked at curvspiration because of curiosity, and convinced myself I was beautiful the way that I was.

In reality, as soon as I added everything up...a little part of me died. It didn't feel like I was eating that much today. But I will never, ever eat as much fast food today as I did ever again. And if I do...well then, say hello to some more fasting.

What I ate today:

Activia - 100 cals

Bread w/ melted cheese - 85 for bun, so about 120 cals?

A&W hash brown - 170 cals

1 MacDonald's McMini - 310 CALORIES WTF ???

Parfait; Activia - 100 cals, 3/4 cup of special K - 100 cals, 1 banana - 105 cals

1 fruit popsicle - 5 cals

2 diet cokes - 0 cals

energy vitamin water, 591 mL - 125 cals

Total: 1,130 CALORIES .

I can't believe I did that. As punishment, I'm doing another 3 day fast. I have to be strong. I have to be pure, and disciplined.

But this 3 days fast will go on forever, hopefully. Because it won't really be a fast. I'll call it a fast, to make me think I'm not supposed to eat. Then, when I feel faint/about to binge and purge, I will have a fruit popsicle of 5 cals, or something else which is absolutely tiny, just barely able to stave off my dreaded hunger. 3 days will be how long this lasts, just to test.

I'm gross and weak and everything else which is terrible. So whenever I become hungry, I will either drink, or look at thinspiration. Because I will, one way or another, become thin.

I have to.

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more day 5 - ohmygod .

I did it. Finally.

I threw up on purpose.

I couldn't help myself - I totally caved. I made super creamy mac and cheese, and ate LESS THAN A BOWL . It hurt so badly, my stomach wasn't used to food. Imean, I haven't eaten in almost 2 days!

But I did it. I ate and ate and ate. The mac and cheese wasn't even that good. It was plain and bland. By then, though, I couldn't stop. I HAD to do it, because how else would I get it all out of my system?

So I ate, and then drank LOTS of water, and a bit of milk to cool/numb my throat. I ran into the bathroom, leaned over the toilet, and grabbed my toothbrush. I shoved it down my throat, and, at first, I just gagged. Then I wiggled it about, and I started feeling the spasms. All that came up was spit and water, but I felt so gross, so...impure. I continued, though. My vision blurred and I had tears in my eyes, but, finally, I did it. After hacking and coughing and just clear spit, I puked.

There wasn't much. Hardly anything, in fact. So I did it again. And it worked, again.

After that, though, I couldn't do it. It was halfhearted. But I tried a little. I really don't like puking, I find. The feeling, the taste. Actually, the taste wasn't that bad, it was just trying to get the food to come up that hurt.

I think I puked it all up, but I'm not so sure. That's the one thing putting a damper on my mood. I'm so afraid, so scared that I didn't throw up enough, that I tried fasting, got halfway through, and caved in to a bowl of crappy tasting mac and cheese.

Initially when I finished, I had so much...pride. In myself, because I actually did it. I felt euphoric, that I found a new way to get thin.

I can't believe how afraid I am, though. I'm almost certain there's something left, something that I'm DIGESTING. Something that's going to make me fat.

I suppose I'll just have to eat healthy foods when I practice purging - then when I master it..Ice cream, here I come.

I have a niggling thought, in the back of my head, though, right this moment.

What if I can't get thin?

What if it's not enough?

What if I need help?

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day 5 - oh noes .

i've gotten so close to breaking my fast today . so close .

this morning i was fine, not eating again . but at 10:30am I drank my one and only 100ml fruit medley juice box (100 cals). I got so very, very hungry during lunch, though. Some of my girl friends decided to have a picnic, with a fatty chicken caeser salad, lots of dressing, some lasagna, mouthwatering pasta w/ a home made tomato sauce, plus chips and cookies. I nearly died.

But somehow, with three pieces of gum, I managed to pull through. After school I had my babysitting course - for and hour and a half. I got so bored, and EVERYONE was taking out snacks and eating them. Trail mix with m&ms, peanuts, and sugared raisins. Popcorn with extra butter. Chocolate bars, apples, everything. I was /this close/ to eating. But, again, somehow, I didn't, and just chewed more gum until my jaw hurt.

I think I've been eating out of boredom, as I don't think I'm *truly* hungry. When I got home at 5pm, I drank 225ml of V-8 (180cals), and surfed the web. At 6:30pm, I drank 250ml of chocolate milk. (226 cals.) Adding up to 506 liquid calories. Not bad, I suppose.

But I'm starving. My mom is making spaghetti and garlic bread. I NEED to eat. I'm stubborn, though. I made a commitment.

I can't do this, though. I'm so freaking hungry, and I have no idea why. I can't stop thinking about FOOD in general.

No, I need to eat. Bread with butter, that's it. I swear, that's it. Once I start, though, I'll never stop.

There is always one more option, though.

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day 4 - i feel good !

So, this morning I decided to start my fast today. I successfully didn't eat breakfast of one banana, instead opting to chew a piece of gum until 10:30am. My class went to a theatre today, and stayed there from 10am to 1pm, which worked amazing. I managed to not get hungry AT ALL, chewing just one more piece of gum. After the theatre, we went back to school, and I found I had a nutrigrain bar in my lunch - a whopping sugary 130 calories ! Easily, I would be able to avoid that.

My salad, on the other hand, was a different story. I was getting kinda hungry by this point, so I took out my little cherry tomato halves and arranged them on the salad container lid. Then I arranged my cucumber slices. Then I stacked some lettuce.

By this time, my friends were giving me weird looks, and I remembered my juice box! I emptied my salad back into it's container, and put it away - I would just tell my dad that I wasn't hungry.

My juice was only 100 calories, and I found that there was absolutely no sugar in it! (Aside from natural fruit juice stuff.) Plus, when I was done sipping it, I felt sick and sloshy and not at all hungry.

The rest of the day was easy, and after school I went up to a friend's house until 7pm. This time, the staying away from food was a lot harder, but I managed. I only had one more juice box, this time a 90 calorie one.

After my best friend's (Let's call her J - she'll be mentioned a lot, I think.) my dad picked me up and brought me to another friend's house. I was there with some other kids, but mostly parents. Why? A parent meeting sort of thing, organizing one of our classes events. They had cookies and brownies and all sorts of delicious things, but I sat in the corner, trying not to look at the goodies.

When the other girls, my friends, all helped themselves to the gooey, warm treats, I almost caved. Almost. But then I thought of the 200 calories in just one one-bite brownie, and all those calories in those cookies they were eating, and I almost enjoyed my empty stomach. Because, in some twisted way, I was stronger than them. I wasn't going to be weak and pig out and break my fast, not on the first day. I was strong and better than them.

I got back home at 9pm, drank 375ml of V-8 (180 calories!) and I'm now preparing for a good night's sleep, with only 370 calories of liquid in me.

I feel strong, satisfied, good. I feel like I can do anything, because I'm in control, and I have all the power, and the ability to do all these things. And I KNOW I can do this.

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day 3 - third times the charm ?

I’ll admit it. 3 days and already I seem to be caving.

On Monday, I caved. My mom was trying to get me to eat just a few of the sweet and sour meatballs from the bowl, so she could put the lid on it. I obliged, eating three, and was immediately wrapped up in a harmony of flavour. She makes the best meatballs, you would not believe how amazing they are.

I ended up eating a whole FIVE more, PLUS RICE. That has to be at least 300 calories.

On Tuesday, things went well. I had a meeting for track and field, which was good, because I wasn’t very hungry at the stadium we run at. My food intake that day went like this:

banana - 105 calories

1/2 bell pepper - 15 calories

salad - lettuce, tomatos, cucumber - 4, 25, 8 calories .

overall: about 40 calories .

2 stalks of celery - 12 calories

spaghetti w/ sauce - 300

2 twizzlers - 70 calories

Yes, I did cave and have some twizzlers, but they weren’t TOO bad. My calories that day were 542.

But today. Oh, oh today. Tuesday night I was running down my hallway, tripped, and sprained my ankle. So no matter how much I want to, I can’t exercise. Plus, for lunch, I DIDN’T have my salad. I had a cucumber roll and miso soup. Sushi is my weakness. ;_;

I overate, big time, and this is what ended up being ingested:

banana x2 - 210 calories

1 stick of celery - 6 calories

1/4 bagel w/ cream cheese - 65 calories

nutrigrain - 130 calories

activia - 100 calories

1/2 babybel - 30 calories

1 cucumber roll - 110 calories

1 miso soup - 85 calories

1 piece of garlic bread - 96 calories

Overall? A WHOPPING 832 FREAKING CALORIES. 8 HUNDRED AND THIRTY TWO.

I feel so fat, so disgusting. As my punishment, I plan on taking a three day juice fast this weekend. Staring Friday morning, and ending Sunday night, I will eat no solids. I will only drink.

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day 1 - mondays . i hate mondays .

Mondays always seem to be the hardest days. I started with a plan as for what I’m going to eat. It was one banana for breakfast, half a cup of special k cereal for a midmorning snack, one salad for lunch (lettuce, 5 strawberry tomatoes, cucumber, no dressing), one little container of activia for an afternoon snack, and whatever was made for dinner.

The plan changed during the day a bit, and I’m disgusted to say that I slipped. This is what it ended up being.

Breakfast: One banana - 105 calories

Mid morning snack: One stick of celery - 6 calories

Lunch: One salad with lettuce, 5 strawberry tomatoes, and cucumber - 4, 25, 8 calories respectively. overall: 37 calories

Afternoon snack: One container of activia - 100 calories

12 guacamole chips - 152 calories

1/8 bag of popcorn - 55 calories

1 blue raspberry twizzler - 40 calories

Overall, this came to 495 calories. And because I ate not only popcorn, but also guacamole chips, AND a twizzler, which I was dismayed to find out was a whopping 40 calories, I’m not allowing myself to eat dinner.

I’ve done some calculations, and my math results in this:

There are 3,500 calories in one pound. My body, at a sedentary level, burns 1420 calories a day. 1420 x 7 days a week is 9,940 calories. I need to eat less than 1420 calories in a day, and if I subtract 3,500 from 9,940, I get 6,640. I have to eat 6,640 calories per week and no more in order to lose one pound a week. This ends up being 920 calories a day.

So, I have a 920 calorie limit a day. But to be on the safe side, I am restricting myself as much as possible. I didn’t get any time for exercise today, though, which is terrible.

I also found out that my scale is broken, and I don’t know when I’ll get a new one.

My mother is making dinner for tomorrow - it’s spaghetti. How will I ever do this?

No, I can have no doubts. I will be strong, and I will lose everything that I need to. 85 pounds, here I come.

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The Beginning

It’s not only the beginning of a new habit, of a new lifestyle, but it’s the beginning of a new me.

This will be my experiment. My question? Can I lose twenty pounds and reach my total goal of 85 pounds, AND keep it off, before the start of school, on September 7th?

My current weight and height: 105 pounds, 4’11”

Goal weight: 85 pounds

Pounds to lose: 20 pounds.

Tomorrow will be day 1.

I know it’s going to be hard. But what I’m going to try to do is lower my daily calorie intake, and up the percentage I burn. I will eat no more than 700 calories a day, to start. And I will try to burn 500 calories daily.

This is just my starting. Because I intend to end up eating barely 200 calories, and burning as many as a thousand a day.

Whether I get my exercise from miles of running, or just from Wii Fit, the video game, it’ll be exercise, and I’ll be that much closer to my goal.

Each day I will record my weight ay 8:00pm pacific time, and what I ate, plus the calories I burned exercising.

I plan on doing a juice fast, for three days, drinking only juice and water. With this in mind, I hope to lose weight. I hope to be beautiful.

I hope to be thin.

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