i'm not okay .

good god, i feel like such a failure .
call me a wannarexic if you want . i really don't care . because i acknowledge that anorexia and bulimia are terrible disorders, and no, i don't want one . i don't even know if i have one or not - and i highly doubt that i do .

but i can definitely say that i have a bad relationship with food . and exercise . and body image .
it's summertime, and all i can think about are my looks . fat, fat, fat, my reflection screams . i agree with it .

i've talked about getting back on track, i've talked about having to change, yet nothing has been done so far . but i'm trying, i swear to god that i am .

but i'm afraid . i'm afraid to start counting calories again, because i become obsessive . even now, i will open the fridge, and just look . look at the foods . imagine how bad they are . close the fridge . look in the cabinets . look at nutrition labels . close the cabinets . look on the shelves . evaluate food . look back in the fridge .

this happens when i'm hungry, and i become obsessive . i get jittery and nervous, flitting from fridge to cupboard to shelves restlessly, trying to find something safe to eat, that i want to eat, over and over and over again until an hour has passed .

i'm going begin counting again . in a way, i want to . badly , even though i'm scared to see the results . i'm going to start weighing myself again - another scary thing .


here goes nothing .