more day 5 - ohmygod .

I did it. Finally.

I threw up on purpose.

I couldn't help myself - I totally caved. I made super creamy mac and cheese, and ate LESS THAN A BOWL . It hurt so badly, my stomach wasn't used to food. Imean, I haven't eaten in almost 2 days!

But I did it. I ate and ate and ate. The mac and cheese wasn't even that good. It was plain and bland. By then, though, I couldn't stop. I HAD to do it, because how else would I get it all out of my system?

So I ate, and then drank LOTS of water, and a bit of milk to cool/numb my throat. I ran into the bathroom, leaned over the toilet, and grabbed my toothbrush. I shoved it down my throat, and, at first, I just gagged. Then I wiggled it about, and I started feeling the spasms. All that came up was spit and water, but I felt so gross, so...impure. I continued, though. My vision blurred and I had tears in my eyes, but, finally, I did it. After hacking and coughing and just clear spit, I puked.

There wasn't much. Hardly anything, in fact. So I did it again. And it worked, again.

After that, though, I couldn't do it. It was halfhearted. But I tried a little. I really don't like puking, I find. The feeling, the taste. Actually, the taste wasn't that bad, it was just trying to get the food to come up that hurt.

I think I puked it all up, but I'm not so sure. That's the one thing putting a damper on my mood. I'm so afraid, so scared that I didn't throw up enough, that I tried fasting, got halfway through, and caved in to a bowl of crappy tasting mac and cheese.

Initially when I finished, I had so much...pride. In myself, because I actually did it. I felt euphoric, that I found a new way to get thin.

I can't believe how afraid I am, though. I'm almost certain there's something left, something that I'm DIGESTING. Something that's going to make me fat.

I suppose I'll just have to eat healthy foods when I practice purging - then when I master it..Ice cream, here I come.

I have a niggling thought, in the back of my head, though, right this moment.

What if I can't get thin?

What if it's not enough?

What if I need help?