day 6 - what have i done ? where did it all go wrong ?

I can't believe it.

I ate 1,135 calories today. At least.

I'm weak. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I deserve to be the way that I am, because I am just the same as everyone else - not strong, not beautiful. Not thin.

I read some very uplifting, feel-good blogs about being fat and disgusting. I looked at curvspiration because of curiosity, and convinced myself I was beautiful the way that I was.

In reality, as soon as I added everything up...a little part of me died. It didn't feel like I was eating that much today. But I will never, ever eat as much fast food today as I did ever again. And if I do...well then, say hello to some more fasting.

What I ate today:

Activia - 100 cals

Bread w/ melted cheese - 85 for bun, so about 120 cals?

A&W hash brown - 170 cals

1 MacDonald's McMini - 310 CALORIES WTF ???

Parfait; Activia - 100 cals, 3/4 cup of special K - 100 cals, 1 banana - 105 cals

1 fruit popsicle - 5 cals

2 diet cokes - 0 cals

energy vitamin water, 591 mL - 125 cals

Total: 1,130 CALORIES .

I can't believe I did that. As punishment, I'm doing another 3 day fast. I have to be strong. I have to be pure, and disciplined.

But this 3 days fast will go on forever, hopefully. Because it won't really be a fast. I'll call it a fast, to make me think I'm not supposed to eat. Then, when I feel faint/about to binge and purge, I will have a fruit popsicle of 5 cals, or something else which is absolutely tiny, just barely able to stave off my dreaded hunger. 3 days will be how long this lasts, just to test.

I'm gross and weak and everything else which is terrible. So whenever I become hungry, I will either drink, or look at thinspiration. Because I will, one way or another, become thin.

I have to.