back from my trip .

alright, so i just came back from a weekend trip to kamloops with my bff and her family . prepare for a looong post . (:


kay, so friday was the day we left . i weighed myself that day, before anything - 111.7 pounds . disgusting ! at 1pm, after much packing, i got into the car, and we began the 5 hour drive .

on the drive, i read and slept, and consumed grapes, and only grapes . those were what i ate in the car . and i am so proud of myself ! we stopped by a costco, and my friend's mom kept trying to convince us to have ice cream, but i managed to deny it . later, we stopped in merritt, and WENT TO DQ . my friend (let's call her A) little sister, (H), got a huge ass sundae with chocolate sauce and peanuts, and her mom got this ice cream cone . me and A HAD to have something, so we got this things called a strawberry delight smoothie - apparently for each 20 oz. there was less than 250 cals, but i have NO IDEA what an ounce looks like, and it didn't say on the container . so i pretended to sip at the drink, but never actually drank any . (:

we got to A's nana's house, and lo and behold, there was a cherry tree in the backyard ! so we busied ourselves with picking those , and going in the hot tub . aahhh . by the time dinner came around (8PM) i had eaten 269 calories in grapes && cherries . gross, but not TOO bad . but then the inevitable came - dinner . and we had PIZZA .


i freaked out , i admit it . i panick when i don't know how many calories EXACTLY something has . i think, for domino's pizza, it was 250 cals a slice . i grabbed the smallest slice in there, which looked about to be half of a normal slie, so 125 calories . the thing is, i cut it up super small, and me and A went to eat outside on the porch . A knows everything about my eating habits - she supports me and is there for me, no matter what .

so i picked at the pizza, hardly eating a bite . i washed everything down with a huge swig of water, so i couldn't taste the food - if i tasted it, i know i would want more . i drank a liter of water during dinner .

but i made it through, somehow, because A had some of my pizza . <33 i love that girl . we had lemon meriague pie for dessert, but i politely declined, saying that i didn't like lemon pie , even though it's my absolute favourite !


day 2, saturday, rolled around , and we woke up so late ! it was 11am when we woke up, and A's mom / H / her nana wanted to go shopping . so we got ready and jumped into the car and went shopping . i got a super cute new bag for $13, a new plaid cardigan for $15, and this AMAZING AMAZING shirt ! it's navy blue, with the transformers autobots logo on the front in different tones of steel / white / silver . it IS a boy's shirt, and it was $14, but i don't care . i love that shirt .

plus, though we walked by this purdy's shop FOUR times, i didn't get anything ! however, i did buy a handful of jellybeans . i think that was around 96 calories - ish . then, at 3pm, we went home , and into the hot tub . i also had more cherries, upping my calorie intake to about 113 .

and then , DISASTER . A's cousin and aunt / uncle came over for dinner, since it was her cousin's birthday . he turned 12 . and you know what they made for dinner ? STEAK, GARLIC BREAD, AND SALAD . oh no !

i had the salad, lots of it, and took a piece of garlic bread, and some steak , to appease everyone else . by now, A's mom and nana were growing suspicious of my eating habits . i ate 1/2 of the salad, no more than 10 calories, and threw the rest out .

about an hour later , more disaster . A's aunt announced there was birthday cake ! i freaked out . cake ? CAKE ? oh no !

and then, in front of everyone, A's aunt spoke to me . you know what she said ? 'and come on, girlie, you HAVE to have a slice . i saw your steak in the garbage !' at this, i blanched . i should have said that i was a vegetarian, but my mind went blank . and she continued . 'oh yeah . caught ! well, don't worry, i made this cake myself . it's angel food cake, super low cal . don't worry, girlie .'

at this point, i was nervous, really nervous . i asked for a tiny slice, and i got a really small , really thin slice . then me, A, H, and A's cousin went to eat our cake, out of sight of the adults .

i picked at the cake . i had tiny, tiny, TINY bites, so that when i couldn't take it anymore, it only looked like a single bite had been taken out of the cake . i was nearly in tears . the cake was delicious, and i was starving . i wanted it SO BADLY !

but i didn't . i didn't eat it . i threw the rest out . and that night, i felt soiled . impure . like i wasn't better than anyone else .


HOWEVER . me and A went downstairs into the basement to sleep, since it was WAAAY too hot upstairs . and you know what i saw ?

AN ELLIPTICAL .

they had an elliptical machine . so A and I looked at each other, and then she went on, for maybe 5 minutes . then i went on , for 15 . it was liberating, feeling all that cake melting off .

she finally made me come off, so i did . we settled down for bed, but i couldn't sleep . A fell asleep, and at 1am, i couldn't deny it . i was starving . i couldn't stop thinking of the pizza, of the steak, of the cake, of the bread, of the pie . all of it was upstairs .

i crept upstairs, as silent as i could . i couldn't find the light in the kitchen, so i opened the fridge for light . i wouldn't eat cake, couldn't find the bread, and the pizza was underneath a stack of food .

then i saw them . laughing cow cheeses . 35 cals a piece .

quickly, i grabbed one, and devoured it, even though it felt and tasted like pure cream cheese spread . it was enough . feely disgusting and dirty and guilty, i crept back downstairs and went to bed .


today, sunday, i woke up at 9am, packed, and even though there was french toast for breakfast, didn't eat anything . on the drive back, we only took 4 1/2 hours , and i ate one cherry and a bunch of grapes, but have kept my calorie intake for today at an okay 123 calories , where i'm at right now .


the only thing is, we have so much junk food in the cabinets . we have VIETNAMESE food in the fridge . and i'm so hungry ...

but no . i must resist .


OH ! and i forgot to mention . A's nana has a SCALE in her bathroom . so these were my weights, as i remember .


Friday morning - 111.5 lbs

Friday night - 110 lbs

Saturday morning - 108 lbs

Saturday night - 109.5 lbs

Sunday morning - 108 lbs

And now i have to wait to weigh myself on my wii fit tonight . damn, i need a scale .


in addition, starting monday, i have 5 days of summer camp, which means 5 DAYS OF EXERCISE ! we're going kayaking monday, hiking tuesday, can't remember wednesday, cultus lake waterslides thursday, and swimming / boating on friday . i'll weight myself momnday morning, and won't weigh myself again until saturday morning . hopefully i'll have restraint .

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i'm not okay .

good god, i feel like such a failure .
call me a wannarexic if you want . i really don't care . because i acknowledge that anorexia and bulimia are terrible disorders, and no, i don't want one . i don't even know if i have one or not - and i highly doubt that i do .

but i can definitely say that i have a bad relationship with food . and exercise . and body image .
it's summertime, and all i can think about are my looks . fat, fat, fat, my reflection screams . i agree with it .

i've talked about getting back on track, i've talked about having to change, yet nothing has been done so far . but i'm trying, i swear to god that i am .

but i'm afraid . i'm afraid to start counting calories again, because i become obsessive . even now, i will open the fridge, and just look . look at the foods . imagine how bad they are . close the fridge . look in the cabinets . look at nutrition labels . close the cabinets . look on the shelves . evaluate food . look back in the fridge .

this happens when i'm hungry, and i become obsessive . i get jittery and nervous, flitting from fridge to cupboard to shelves restlessly, trying to find something safe to eat, that i want to eat, over and over and over again until an hour has passed .

i'm going begin counting again . in a way, i want to . badly , even though i'm scared to see the results . i'm going to start weighing myself again - another scary thing .


here goes nothing .

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back on track . hopefully .

things have been going terribly . i've gained 5 pounds . i've lost sight of my goals, and i feel stuck, unable to continue . i have an unhealthy relationship with food . and everything is going wrong . i was doing so well ... i was on my way to getting so much control ...
but everything has been ruined . when i see food, i act as if it's nothing . because it isn't .
but when i get home, when i look in the mirror ...
my world crumbles .

i know that i shouldn't be obsessed with body image . i know i shouldn't care .
but i DO . and it kills me .

- - - - - -

i need to get back on track . i NEED to change . because if i don't ...
i don't even want to imagine that .

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abc diet - day 1

i did it !

finally . after telling myself i would do the abc diet, i have begun . i feel so good ! this is what i ate today....

one orange for breakfast . 37 cals, round up to 40.

one orange for mid morning snack . 37 cals, round up to 40 .

lunch was 7 cherry tomatoes in a salad , plus actual salad of cucumbers && lettuce. 21 cals for the cherry tomatoes , about 25 cals for the other stuff , so about 50 cals .

3 'big foot' candies - so yummy ! - 60 cals

2 mini cucumbers - 20 cals

after school , 1/2 apple w/ ground cinnamon - 50 cals.

for dinner (i was so proud!) i managed an UNDER 200 calories meal. it was:

one small piece of pan fried chicken, some ms. dash seasoning added (0cals) but nothing else. it was maybe 2 1/2 inches long, 1 inch wide, and 1 1/2 cm thick. about 110 cals.

baby bok choy - LOTS OF THIS.

i had about 1/4 cup of steamed white rice, which is 45 cals.

that brought me to 455 cals after dinner.

i got hungry again later, had one strawberry (3 cals), 1 popsicle (5 cals), and 1 rice cake (35cals.)

Overall: 498 cals, perfectly within limit, and I am SO FULL . yay. (:

now i get to plan my food for tomorrow !

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the power of positive thinking .

i can do this. i can do this. i can do this.

that's what i'm going to start repeating to myself.

yesterday i was supposed to start my ABC diet. it began well enough, but then my friend came over for a sleepover, and i ate. a lot. goldfish, cookies, popcorn. when i'm around her, having a good time, i feel as if i don't need to be skinny. but then i see my reflection, and everything changes.

so today is the official day one of my abc diet . i've eaten one bun from a bakery, which is really bad for you, but other than that i've had 2 strawberries and 250g in blueberries .

i feel as if there is so much i need to do, and absolutely no time to do it. i'm overwhelmed, and i don't know why . i just got my period today, though - it would explain all the emotional crap, that's for sure.

i just need to keep telling myself that i can do this, though. i can do it. i will do it.

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and downhill it goes .

i'm angry . i'm frustrated . i'm emotional . i'm a wreck .

i don't know if that's me pmsing, or that i have a lot of constrained emotions, but i am really feeling everything tenfold today.

first, let me talk about yesterday. and the day before. i haven't gotten any chances to blog!

yesterday, i ate too much. i had one 1/2 slices of pizza, some 60 calorie cheese, a good 260 calories in candy, a 270 calorie chocolate bar...need i go on?

and the day before yesterday, i ate another entire freaking bag of popcorn. i can't remember the rest - but it was bad . very, very bad.

oh, but today. today was, simply put, horrific.

there are 5 'popular' girls in our school . 3 concrete ones. let's call the leader of everything 'SA.' well, sa is supposedly perfect. she's cool, she's funny, she gets good marks, she's a hit with the teachers. a class A honour roll student.

everyone in my school has been friends since they were born. not joking here, people. so sa staked her claim early as queen of the school, and has kept it that way, thanks to her followers.

that brings me to SO. so is a stupid dunce, with absolutely no brain in that head of hers. at least not when she's around her idol, sa. otherwise, she's smart, funny, and very adorable.

then there is E. e is a slut. she may not dress like one, but she is a 100% dumb, uncaring, bitchy slut. care to call her that ? well, you'll be brutally hammered with abuse after verbal abuse .

there's also C, who is nice, (AMAZINGLY THIN!!) and also idolizes sa. there is B, who, unfortunately, is the stupidest person i have ever met, but also the nicest, the sweetest, kindest person on the planet. because of her low IQ, she isn't very relevant. sorry, B.):

there's also, finally, A. a is like me, I guess. she's into what i am, she's very artistic, and understands where i'm coming from. but everyone caves into that deceptive finger of popularity and attention sometimes, so today was her day.

my class went to playland. sa, so, E, B, A, C, and I, were all in a group. let me just say this - C, B, and i all HATE rollercoasters. and anything that drops your stomach . guess where the girls go?

yup . so they go on a nice, swinging, stomach dropping pirate ship. C, B and i all decide to get in line for a spinning ride. well, when we were just about to get on, sa, so, and E show up. they immediately gush at us, thanking us for holding their place in line. i'm sorry, what?

then they ditched us when they went on the wooden rollercoaster. we try to find them, and don't. so we do our own thing, up until noon. that's when we wonder where they are.

we go to get mini donuts (this is where i caved and binged) and they pass behind us. we, of course, didn't learn about that until much later, but they still did. by this time, they've hooked up with Q and G (two guys), and E is busy flirting with them, draping herself overtop of the two. they pass by behind us, not even bothering to say a simple hello, or where they're going to eat.

we spend the next hour looking for them. do we find them? no. but we get a series of texts saying where they supposedly are. 'we're at white spot!' oh, no, they aren't. we know because we looked in the entire place, shouting their names. 'sorry. we're actually on the grass, eating.' no they aren't, because they just left.

and later, when all is said and done, we find out that they have been on the wooden rollercoaster 3 times. taking pictures. and that they went on the flume (a water roller coaster, which IS one that i will go on) twice. they also bought pictures from there.

as we are leaving, i hear SA say that 'this is the best time i've ever had here, actually!'

it has happened. yet again, i've been thrown into the background. yet again, i've become the dreaded loser that no one cares about. and, yet again, i realize that me, the newcomer from five years back, will never be able to insert herself into a place that was never really there .

not to mention, i binged. i had ten mini donuts. half a bag of cotton candy. half a sno cone. and i've come to the conclusion that, where i am, i'm not one of the people who will ever be able to make a change, to make something different happen .

i am useless. i am unable to do anything.

i am stuck .

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ohno . oh no, no, no, no, NO .

i binged . i binged so badly , i feel disgusting and fat and pig like.

it started out fine . half a banana for breakfast, half for recess . then a few bites of salad for lunch, and when i got home, one cup of honey nut cheerios .

it was when dinner came around that EVERYTHING WENT HORRIBLY WRONG.

my dad ordered pizza . PIZZA ! and i started off with one slice . 250 cals . terrible, but still, i could be salvaged.

but then i had another veggie pizza . + 250 cals . meaning i just ate my ENTIRE DAY'S CALORIE COUNT IN TEN MINUTES . then i HAD to have a pepperoni . just one bite . which turned into an entire piece . which made me say 'why not. if i'm bingeing, i might as well have chocolate.' so i had a 270 cal purdy's chocolate bar . and it was SO EFFING GOOD . so i had yet another piece of pepperoni pizza.

overall: 750 cals of pizza, 270 cals of chocolate, and who knows what else . then my sister made some popcorn . so why not have that too?

now i feel terrible . i feel bloated, and for some reason, my heart rate is going super fast, and it's feels so weird . i can't believe i ate all of that. and i wish i could purge, but i ate so long ago .

i'm so weak. we played TAG at school for PE, and i had to walk the 15 minutes home with a backpack full of 4 textbooks, and i was practically wheezing by the time it was over.

god, i'm worthless , disgusting, horrible, fat, grotesque. all of that and more.

on another note - i found an amazing forum. prettythin.com is fantastic, so check it out. (:

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