back from my trip .

alright, so i just came back from a weekend trip to kamloops with my bff and her family . prepare for a looong post . (:


kay, so friday was the day we left . i weighed myself that day, before anything - 111.7 pounds . disgusting ! at 1pm, after much packing, i got into the car, and we began the 5 hour drive .

on the drive, i read and slept, and consumed grapes, and only grapes . those were what i ate in the car . and i am so proud of myself ! we stopped by a costco, and my friend's mom kept trying to convince us to have ice cream, but i managed to deny it . later, we stopped in merritt, and WENT TO DQ . my friend (let's call her A) little sister, (H), got a huge ass sundae with chocolate sauce and peanuts, and her mom got this ice cream cone . me and A HAD to have something, so we got this things called a strawberry delight smoothie - apparently for each 20 oz. there was less than 250 cals, but i have NO IDEA what an ounce looks like, and it didn't say on the container . so i pretended to sip at the drink, but never actually drank any . (:

we got to A's nana's house, and lo and behold, there was a cherry tree in the backyard ! so we busied ourselves with picking those , and going in the hot tub . aahhh . by the time dinner came around (8PM) i had eaten 269 calories in grapes && cherries . gross, but not TOO bad . but then the inevitable came - dinner . and we had PIZZA .


i freaked out , i admit it . i panick when i don't know how many calories EXACTLY something has . i think, for domino's pizza, it was 250 cals a slice . i grabbed the smallest slice in there, which looked about to be half of a normal slie, so 125 calories . the thing is, i cut it up super small, and me and A went to eat outside on the porch . A knows everything about my eating habits - she supports me and is there for me, no matter what .

so i picked at the pizza, hardly eating a bite . i washed everything down with a huge swig of water, so i couldn't taste the food - if i tasted it, i know i would want more . i drank a liter of water during dinner .

but i made it through, somehow, because A had some of my pizza . <33 i love that girl . we had lemon meriague pie for dessert, but i politely declined, saying that i didn't like lemon pie , even though it's my absolute favourite !


day 2, saturday, rolled around , and we woke up so late ! it was 11am when we woke up, and A's mom / H / her nana wanted to go shopping . so we got ready and jumped into the car and went shopping . i got a super cute new bag for $13, a new plaid cardigan for $15, and this AMAZING AMAZING shirt ! it's navy blue, with the transformers autobots logo on the front in different tones of steel / white / silver . it IS a boy's shirt, and it was $14, but i don't care . i love that shirt .

plus, though we walked by this purdy's shop FOUR times, i didn't get anything ! however, i did buy a handful of jellybeans . i think that was around 96 calories - ish . then, at 3pm, we went home , and into the hot tub . i also had more cherries, upping my calorie intake to about 113 .

and then , DISASTER . A's cousin and aunt / uncle came over for dinner, since it was her cousin's birthday . he turned 12 . and you know what they made for dinner ? STEAK, GARLIC BREAD, AND SALAD . oh no !

i had the salad, lots of it, and took a piece of garlic bread, and some steak , to appease everyone else . by now, A's mom and nana were growing suspicious of my eating habits . i ate 1/2 of the salad, no more than 10 calories, and threw the rest out .

about an hour later , more disaster . A's aunt announced there was birthday cake ! i freaked out . cake ? CAKE ? oh no !

and then, in front of everyone, A's aunt spoke to me . you know what she said ? 'and come on, girlie, you HAVE to have a slice . i saw your steak in the garbage !' at this, i blanched . i should have said that i was a vegetarian, but my mind went blank . and she continued . 'oh yeah . caught ! well, don't worry, i made this cake myself . it's angel food cake, super low cal . don't worry, girlie .'

at this point, i was nervous, really nervous . i asked for a tiny slice, and i got a really small , really thin slice . then me, A, H, and A's cousin went to eat our cake, out of sight of the adults .

i picked at the cake . i had tiny, tiny, TINY bites, so that when i couldn't take it anymore, it only looked like a single bite had been taken out of the cake . i was nearly in tears . the cake was delicious, and i was starving . i wanted it SO BADLY !

but i didn't . i didn't eat it . i threw the rest out . and that night, i felt soiled . impure . like i wasn't better than anyone else .


HOWEVER . me and A went downstairs into the basement to sleep, since it was WAAAY too hot upstairs . and you know what i saw ?

AN ELLIPTICAL .

they had an elliptical machine . so A and I looked at each other, and then she went on, for maybe 5 minutes . then i went on , for 15 . it was liberating, feeling all that cake melting off .

she finally made me come off, so i did . we settled down for bed, but i couldn't sleep . A fell asleep, and at 1am, i couldn't deny it . i was starving . i couldn't stop thinking of the pizza, of the steak, of the cake, of the bread, of the pie . all of it was upstairs .

i crept upstairs, as silent as i could . i couldn't find the light in the kitchen, so i opened the fridge for light . i wouldn't eat cake, couldn't find the bread, and the pizza was underneath a stack of food .

then i saw them . laughing cow cheeses . 35 cals a piece .

quickly, i grabbed one, and devoured it, even though it felt and tasted like pure cream cheese spread . it was enough . feely disgusting and dirty and guilty, i crept back downstairs and went to bed .


today, sunday, i woke up at 9am, packed, and even though there was french toast for breakfast, didn't eat anything . on the drive back, we only took 4 1/2 hours , and i ate one cherry and a bunch of grapes, but have kept my calorie intake for today at an okay 123 calories , where i'm at right now .


the only thing is, we have so much junk food in the cabinets . we have VIETNAMESE food in the fridge . and i'm so hungry ...

but no . i must resist .


OH ! and i forgot to mention . A's nana has a SCALE in her bathroom . so these were my weights, as i remember .


Friday morning - 111.5 lbs

Friday night - 110 lbs

Saturday morning - 108 lbs

Saturday night - 109.5 lbs

Sunday morning - 108 lbs

And now i have to wait to weigh myself on my wii fit tonight . damn, i need a scale .


in addition, starting monday, i have 5 days of summer camp, which means 5 DAYS OF EXERCISE ! we're going kayaking monday, hiking tuesday, can't remember wednesday, cultus lake waterslides thursday, and swimming / boating on friday . i'll weight myself momnday morning, and won't weigh myself again until saturday morning . hopefully i'll have restraint .

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i'm not okay .

good god, i feel like such a failure .
call me a wannarexic if you want . i really don't care . because i acknowledge that anorexia and bulimia are terrible disorders, and no, i don't want one . i don't even know if i have one or not - and i highly doubt that i do .

but i can definitely say that i have a bad relationship with food . and exercise . and body image .
it's summertime, and all i can think about are my looks . fat, fat, fat, my reflection screams . i agree with it .

i've talked about getting back on track, i've talked about having to change, yet nothing has been done so far . but i'm trying, i swear to god that i am .

but i'm afraid . i'm afraid to start counting calories again, because i become obsessive . even now, i will open the fridge, and just look . look at the foods . imagine how bad they are . close the fridge . look in the cabinets . look at nutrition labels . close the cabinets . look on the shelves . evaluate food . look back in the fridge .

this happens when i'm hungry, and i become obsessive . i get jittery and nervous, flitting from fridge to cupboard to shelves restlessly, trying to find something safe to eat, that i want to eat, over and over and over again until an hour has passed .

i'm going begin counting again . in a way, i want to . badly , even though i'm scared to see the results . i'm going to start weighing myself again - another scary thing .


here goes nothing .

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